I've finally been able to write again and I am honestly overwhelmed by the progress I've been making. Not just because of how exciting it is in its own rights, but because of what it means for me in a "Personal Growth," "Character Development," and "Inner Healing" kinds of ways.
Depression, and what I would discover later on to be Borderline Personality Disorder, tore into me near the end of 2012. I quickly lost nearly all the joy, motivation, excitement, and ambition I had had all my life up until that point. This included my love for writing.
I took a years-long hiatus from it, feeling guilty, and as if I was a disappointment and a failure the entire time. Honestly, part of me thought I'd never finish the series. I was afraid that I'd never get that gift, that joy, back.
But I focussed on fighting my mental illness.
It was hard. It took hitting rock bottom to even agree to try and get better. So I dragged myself through countless appointments with doctors, tried different medications, did a bunch of therapy... it took a lot of work. Both from me and from my tireless, selfless, loving, patient, encouraging, unwavering family members and friends.
With their help I made it through the worst part of the storm. And in the peace and the safety of where I found myself then, I was able to sit down at my laptop once again and pick up where I left off.
Now, I've been keeping track of what's left for me to do in this seperate document, and, after the work I put in tonight, I found that I had finally knocked my workload down below 10 units (a "unit" is something I made up, but it falls somewhere between the average amount of writing in a chapter and about an hour's worth of work). This is a big deal for me! This book could finally be ready to go into editing by the end of this week! But beyond that, knowing that I had thought I might never get this project off the ground again, knowing I had been afraid I'd lost my love for writing forever, and now knowing that I am almost done... I am sitting here in my living room, at 3am, moved nearly to tears.
If you are where I was...
It gets better.
It gets better.
It gets better.
So much love. Goodnight everybody.
Got a lot done today and feel accomplished. A few more things to get through in the next few months .. but I'm ready , content , and excited for the new path I chose to take ♡ make this year and the years to come amazing. #loveyourselffirst#2018#motherofone#itgetsbetter
i actually remember this feeling really well... for so long i felt like what i ate was controlled by my parents. they'd always tell me to eat less and to watch what i ate and they'd always give me small portions, or tell eachother "give her a really small slice of cake" as if i wasn't right there to hear them. but then they'd be there sabotaging my all the way. they'd make my favourite foods every day. they'd get mad if i didn't have seconds or dessert. they wouldn't let me make my own healthier food. thay would decide and order for me in restaurants always empathizing that i'll take a salad NOT fries with my cheeseburger and then "whaddaya mean you don't wanna eat it all or the dessert we ordered for you without consulting you first? we paid for it so you better damn well eat it!" it was just really crazy. they controlled everything. they hid food from me so i wouldn't be able to snack during the day. sometimes i wouldn't be "allowed" to eat until dinner where i would then be stuffed like a thanksgiving turkey. i had no control over food. i honestly don't remember where i first got the idea to purge. i had no idea what bulimia was back then. i came up with it on my own. i was 11. and it gave me back that control that my parents wrested from me every night at dinner time. it felt awesome. not the puking part; i hated that. but the regaining control part was like giving them a giant middle finger behind their back. and half the satisfaction for me was that they didn't even know. they still don't. they still do their thing but i have ways to deal with it now. HEALTHY ways, i promise!
but this is the appeal of bulimia. the control it gives. nobody actually likes the retching and gagging and getting hit in the face with vomit splashback. but it's also important to realize that while you may be able to somewhat control calories and food through bulimia, the disease really controls you. while you're thrilled about finding a way to cheat the system the disorder takes over your mind until you can't stop it anymore. and by the time you realize that the control has changed hands you'll be too far gone to stop easily...