I'll just type it down here in case it didn't crop properly.
>>I hope he sees it
How what he did affected me
I hope he noticed and it plays over and over again in his head
I hope he understand how much what he did harmed me
But truth is he doesn't care
He never did and never will
I feel bad for her
For that girl
she doesn't know what she's walking into
But that's how he works
Spinning all his lies
Manipulating his way to you
Making you think that he cares
But in reality he doesn't give a single fuck about anyone's feeling but his own
Why do I keep doing this to myself
I keep coming back to you
But then again thats what you do
You weave you lies in such a way that it seems impossible to leave
You've hotwired my brain into making everything MY fault
You're perfect there's nothing wrong with and if there is it's all because if me isn't it?
Hey what's up
I say starting the conversation
And it goes on like it did before
And then you do it
Might of been in good fun but the memories come rushing back
Your hand against my check causing a slight sting and causing me to step back
I wanted to scream
I wanted to cry
I wanted to fight back
I just stood there and took it
Why did I do that?
It's wasn't dramatic or out of anger
You just did in the middle of the conversation
Maybe you thought it was funny
Well of course you did because you never really cared about me or anyone else
Maybe it was so easy for you to do that because you've done it so many times before that it just came so naturally
Out of anger
Your hand swong at me shaping me back to attention
I remember that one the clearest just because moments before you were pushing me back against a wall
Your hands wrapped around my neck cutting off my airways
That was a year and a halve ago
You changed right... for the better
That's what I believed or wanted to believe
I wanted to believe that there really was a second chance for everyone
Yet here I am staring at you
Angry, scared, sad and even confused
I just stood there staring at you
Not known if any of my emotions colored my face or if I was just a white canvas
Would it have mattered?
Would you have cared?
1 hour ago
In my defense, I had been clean for one month and a half...but that fact makes me feel a little bit shittier for fucking it up. I am able to control myself for some days before giving in to the urges, but they always win in the end, the thing is, I am not sure I want to stop.
I finally made an appointment to see a psychotherapist next Tuesday, and my counselor is gonna come with me for the first appointment which is so cute from her but so embarrassing to me bc I’m fucking 22 y/o and I can’t make calls and go places by myself
They want me to tell my mom about this but honestly I’m so scared, I feel that she is going to hate me for this, like she provided help once before but now it will be just annoying and she will be so disappointed on me.
On other news I started a job, it’s a super nice job according to everyone else but i can’t feel the emotion or motivation from everyone else, i feel empty, plus i have no time to do the things that I actually like to do (play piano, read, work out) and one of my biggest fears in life os job consuming my life i’m just so scared of next week. If i’m not able to go out tp a fucking party how will i function at work.
I wrote this under the influence of zolpidem so sorry. Have you ever heard from nootropics? If you have let me know in the comments i want to try those.